Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."
"That was my ball," the guy said.
"What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3."
"Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."

[Stan Nehilla]

It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh s--t."

[tincup]

SD=SB*H … The speed of a player’s downswing (SD) is equal to the speed of his backswing (SB) times his handicap (H). Example: Backswing 40 mph, handicap 20, downswing = 800 mph.

[tincup]

A golf vacation is a trip taken by two or more players to a place where no one can remember when it rained so much

[Stan Nehilla]

We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.
We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation.
Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for Seniors

Unsolicited Advice as to Choice of Club or Method of Play

Any player who, as a result of unwillingly receiving and reluctantly acting upon an unasked-for tip, pointer, or suggestion from a fellow player, selects a club other than the one he intended to use, or changes his set-up, grip, stance, or swing, and then proceeds to hit a ball that falls far short of or carries well over his target, or that sharply hooks or slices, is entitled to replay that one shot without assessing a stroke or incurring any penalty, but he must at once cease applying the unsought advice to his game, and any additional shot he makes shall be counted in his score unless they are the result of new and separate instances of gratuitously offered guidance.

[Stan Nehilla]

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

[tincup]

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
1. How many hands you have.
2. Which one is wearing the glove.

[Stan Nehilla]

One day Jesus, Moses, and some old guy were playing golf. Jesus teed off and it landed in the water, so he walked on the water to retrieve the ball. Moses was next, he hit the ball into the water so he parted the water and got his ball. Then the old man teed off it was heading for the water too when a fish swallowed the ball. But before the fish returned into the water a heron grabbed the fish and the heron flew over the green and the fish dropped the ball into the cup for an ace. Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father."

[Stan Nehilla]

A man and his gorilla are sitting in the club house when the club champion comes in.
"I'll bet you $500 per hole my gorilla can play better golf than you," says the man.
The champion looks at the man, looks at the gorilla, and says "You're on." And off they go to the first tee.
The first hole is a long par four over water. The man gives the champion the honors. The champion tees up and hits a beautiful drive straight up the middle, over the water, chipping distance from the green.
"Nice shot," says the man.
The gorilla then tees up, booms the drive onto the green, and into the hole! The champ picks up his ball and they head off to the next hole, a beautiful par five, along the creek with a slight dogleg left.
The gorilla tees up and booms another drive, drawing it just enough to land it on the green, inches from the pin. The champ, humiliated, concedes the hole and the match. They head back to the clubhouse.
As they settle the bet, the champ remarks how well the gorilla plays. "I've never seen anyone drive it as far. By the way, since he aced the first hole and I conceded match before finishing the second, I never got to see how he putts."
"Oh," says the man, pocketing his money, "he putts just exactly like he drives!"