Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy: "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would-be too much of a coincidence"

[Stan Nehilla]

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

[tincup]

On the seventeenth of the Wentworth Club Course a very careful player was studying the green. First he got down on his hands and knees to check out the turf between his ball and the hole. Then he flicked several pieces of grass out of the way and getting up he held up a wet finger to try out the direction of the wind. Then turning to his caddie he asked:

"Was the green mowed this morning?"

"Yes, sir." "Right to left or left to right?"

"Right to left, sir."

The golfer putted... and missed the hole completely. He whirled on the caddie, "What TIME?"

[tincup]

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him.'"

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible?"

"Could have been worse," George commented.

"How?"

"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says:
"How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

[tincup]

Addressing the Ball -
1. Assuming the correct stance and placing the head of the club on the ground behind the ball prior to hitting it.
2. Directing statements to the ball before it is hit or while it is in flight, such as: "If you go into that trap, I'll never wash you again" or "In a way, I hope you miss that cup-I've always wondered what's inside a golf ball."

[Stan Nehilla]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

[tincup]

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

[Stan Nehilla]

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"

"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

[tincup]

If you have to hit a drive over a ravine, you need to make up your mind whether you're going to hit a good shot short with a crappy ball, or a crappy shot short with a good ball