Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

Peter was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Sharon had to go and get the test results from the doctor.

"Now Sharon, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Peter may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. Peter needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Sharon nodded and left. When she got home, Peter was anxious to find out what his test results were.

"Well Sharon, what did Doctor have to say? Sharon looked him straight in the face. "You're gonna die."

[Stan Nehilla]

Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water' your body
only seems to hear the word 'water'?

[tincup]

If you address the ball for more than twenty seconds its not a waggle, it's a seizure.

[Stan Nehilla]

The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name...and
they say golf is a quiet game.

[tincup]

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."

[tincup]

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great ! so NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out
and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
-Bob Hope

[tincup]

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

[tincup]

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective September 1, 2013. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.
Here are a few of the changes.

Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimmie" will be changed to “entitlement" and will be used as follows:
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
- handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
- handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's "gross score". These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do. "

[Stan Nehilla]

Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt.
-Jack Nicklaus