Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Beginner

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer hit his ball into a ravine.
His buddies heard `whack, whack, whack' on and on, until finally he got the ball out.
His buddy asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?" He said, "three", but his buddy said, "I heard seven."
His reply was, "Four of them were echoes."

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Ball Playable in Water Hazard, but Just Not Worth It

If a player's ball comes to rest within the margins of a water hazard in a highly playable lie from which he is certain he could, if he so desired, hit a successful recovery shot with no difficulty whatsoever, but the marshy, muddy, swampy, or boggy state of the surrounding terrain makes it inevitable that in the execution of such a stroke, he himself, his clothing, or his equipment would be extensively soiled and/or soaked, or that he would be obliged to assume a stance requiring the time-consuming removal of his footgear or other elaborate preparations, he may move his ball, without penalty, to the nearest equally favourable lie inside the hazard where conditions are sufficiently dry to permit prudent, sensible, and reasonable play.

[tincup]

Warm-up Exercises - Although golf is not as physically demanding as most other sports, it certainly doesn't hurt to loosen up one's muscles before a round. Here are a few simple exercises designed to get you ready for the day's play:

Hold out your arm, make a fist, and shake it back and forth, then open the fist, palm facing inward, extend the middle finger, and pump your hand up and down.
Kick at the ground„ then stomp on it, first with your right foot, then with your left, then jump up and down.
Take off your hat, grasp it in your hand, throw it on the ground, pick it up, and repeat.
Raise your arms over your head, fists clenched, wave them vigorously and let out as loud a scream as you can, holding it for at least 15 seconds.

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Signs Your Ball is Illegal

The manufacturer hires Johnny Cochran to defend it.
When you squeeze it, goo leaks out.
The x-ray machine at the airport reveals a dinosaur inside.
With a flubber core, it keeps bouncing out of the cup.
Robert Downey Jr. keeps trying to light it in a crack pipe.
You can buy them on Ebay if you toss in a kidney.
When you look closer, you see it’s really a PRO Viagra.
It looks suspiciously like an egg from the bottom of the pool in "Cocoon."
It has only one dimple, and it looks just like Kirk Douglas’s chin.
When it smashes into a tree, it creates one million cartoon toothpicks.

[Stan Nehilla]

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

[tincup]

Top 10 signs your partner is a murderer

10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo

9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel

8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman

7. When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention

6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole

5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag

4. When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!"

3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt

2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid schizophrenia"

1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings

[tincup]

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Unbelievable Ball Position

If upon locating his ball a player discovers that it has come to rest in a patently absurd lie or outrageously unplayable position under circumstances in which he is not otherwise entitled to claim relief, he may rectify the grossly inequitable playing condition, without penalty, by tapping, kicking, or throwing his ball to the nearest playable lie, provided he clearly states that if he is required to play his ball as it lies, he is likely to exhibit behaviour not in the best interests of golf.

[Stan Nehilla]

Shorten

James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.
James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"
The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch."
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the trash can!"