Wit & Wisdom of Golf

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Rule exceptions for seniors

Protection Against Double Penalty

If a brand-new, high-quality ball just removed from a sleeve, box, or carton is struck by a player from the teeing ground of any hole directly into water, deep woods, impassable terrain, or ground out-of-bounds under circumstances that appear to foreclose the possibility of its recovery, the loss of that ball shall be deemed good and sufficient punishment for any infraction of the rules, and the player may hit a second ball without assessing a stroke or incurring any further penalty.

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Signs Your Caddie Wants You To Lose

Your new titanium driver is slathered with bacon drippings and stick-um.
He wipes the mud off your ball with coarse #10 sandpaper.
You hear him whisper to another caddy that you're a "major league.." something.
He suggests you shorten the hole by teeing off over the snake-infested swampland "unless you're a pussy willow sissy boy."
As you line up your putt, he does shadow puppets on your pants.
He says he'd like to help you read your putts but he's illiterate.
When you sink a birdie putt, he moans "there goes my bet."
During your swing you hear him feverishly talking on his cell phone, but it's only to the time-recording lady.
When you ask him where to aim your next shot, he points to his left breast.
He hands you a driver, 9 iron and putter and tells you "meet me on the next hole and don't mess up!"

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Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Tiger Woods

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No one blows his nose at the end of your follow-through
No one has a coughing fit as you walk off the tee
No one rattles the ballwasher while you're tying your shoes

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Signs It’s Too Cold for Golf

Even with Mr. Rogers and Martha Stewart in your group, you still don’t feel warm and fuzzy
You have to wear the visor with the plaid, woolen ear flaps.
Your hands feel warmer when they touch a witch’s breast.
Your cart sinks when it hits an iceberg.
It’s hard to read a putt with Tammy Faye Baker icicles on your eyelashes.
It drops below the temperature of an IRS agent’s heart.
When you fell through the ice, you realized taking a divot on a frozen pond wasn’t such a hot idea.
You’re trapped by snow in the course’s restaurant, ominously named the Donner Party Grill.
The greens are groomed by a Zamboni.
Your balls are blue.

[Stan Nehilla]

Health Food

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your #@!%&~ bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,

"Which one of you used the orange one ?"

[Stan Nehilla]

Friends

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.
Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."
Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement.
"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

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Talk about fantastic golf teachers. He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice. Day and night he worked with her for five months. Now she's the biggest hooker in town.

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Every distortion in the flight of the ball toward its target produces an equal and opposite contortion in the body of the player who hit it.