Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[Stan Nehilla]

The woods are full of long drivers.
~ Harvey Penick

[Stan Nehilla]

My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!
~ Jane Swan

[tincup]

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[Stan Nehilla]

Excuses For Why You Must Play Golf!



I always play well when it rains.


I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.


I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today.


I am required to golf for work; I love my job.


I am sick of playing golf on my computer and I want to play for real.


I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.


I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.


I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes.


I can expense it for business purposes.


I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.


I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.


I can pass gas, and no one cares.


I finally got a set of brand clubs. I want to see if I can break 100.

[tincup]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me, dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for minute, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry, dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[Stan Nehilla]

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.

[tincup]

A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.
The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."

[Stan Nehilla]

12/22 Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.
~ Anonymous

12/23 I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
~ Don Adams

12/24 Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~ Jim Bishop

12/25I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

12/26 Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead.
~ Tommy Bolt

Merry Christmas everyone.

[tincup]

A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."