Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?
It's still your turn!

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

[Stan Nehilla]

Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"

[Stan Nehilla]

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

[Stan Nehilla]

Too foggy to see

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,

"Which one of you used the orange one ?"

[Stan Nehilla]

Arnold Palmer & Tiger Woods

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

[Stan Nehilla]

Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
"A golf course!!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Jesus & Arnold Palmer

Jesus and Tiger Woods were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so on a long par five. It's a great drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. Jesus then steps up to tee off, and He too hits a great shot, but it's not anywhere near as close as Palmer's first shot.

Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs Jesus' ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can get even twenty yards, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the ball, eagle, and gopher get above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus looks up and says, "Dad! Please! I'd rather do it myself!

[Stan Nehilla]

After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

[Stan Nehilla]

Jesus is watching you

One night a thief breaks into The Valhalla Golf Club's pro shop in the middle of the night. Fumbling through the titanium drivers, he hears a voice say

"Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you."

He proceeds to fill his bags with the clubs and other expensive merchandise. While making his way to the sweatshirts, hats, etc., he hears...

"Jesus is watching you".

Baffled, he looks around with his flashlight and sees a parrot.

He looks at the beautiful creature and says "What kind of jerk would have a bird like you in a pro shop like this?"

The bird cocked his head slightly and replied, "The same one that named the pit bull Jesus!"