Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

X - What you put on your scorecard when you do not finish a hole. A common optical illusion makes it look like a four or a five.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

X-outs - A series of Xs are printed over the brand name of some golf balls to indicate that, because of minor imperfections, they are "x-outs," or "seconds," and are cheaper than a properly manufactured ball. Golf balls are a lot less expensive than they were in the early days of the game, when the handmade, goosedown-stuffed, leather-covered "featherie" or the rubber "guttie" represented a sizable investment, but it can still be painful to lose one. Thus, golfers who routinely fire balls into water hazards or the woods will, when confronting these hazards, switch to an x-out ball or, in descending order of value, a "range ball" (one purchased in bulk from a driving range), "smilie" (a ball with a deep cut in it), "filchie" (a ball taken from another golfer's bag) or "spuddie" (a small potato).

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Yank - A putt that is pulled to the left.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Yard - One of the basic units of measurement in golf. Some others are: the stroke (1.4 swings = 1 stroke); the minute spent looking for a lost ball (1,145 seconds); a 30-foot putt (divide by 5 if preceded by the phrase "I sunk" and by 10 if preceded by the phrase "I missed"); the club-length in determining whether a putt is a gimme (the length of the clubhouse along its longest axis, not including stairs or porches); and liquid measure at the 19th hole (one drink = two drinks).

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Yips - A nervous disorder that afflicts golfers on the green. An inability to take the putter back, coupled with twitchy hands and the complete absence of nerve, constitutes a case of the yips. No golfer has ever permanently conquered this condition.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

You da man! - A popular expression among golfs great unwashed, generally heard in the millisecond after a shot has been struck and well before the outcome of the shot can be determined. This is very annoying to da man when his shot lands in a lake.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Zip Code - The roughly rectangular area surrounding the tee within which golfers should try to confine the flight of the ball.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Zone, the - When everything you do is right, and you know it's right before you do it, that's the zone. The number of times you get to visit the zone, and the amount of time you spend there, is in direct proportion to your ability. So if you want to get in the zone, you'd better visit the practice tee first.

[Stan Nehilla]

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."