Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Golf lawyer - A player known for constantly citing the rules, usually to the detriment of your score. This character may sound versed on the rules of the game, but he's probably trying to take advantage of you. If you're playing with a golf lawyer, carry a copy of the Rules of Golf with you at all times.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Golf Shoes - There are two basic kinds of special footgear that golfers can choose from: traditional golf shoes with metal spikes and the newer rubber-studded models. There are a number of differences between the two designs, but the question of which type to select really boils down to whether you want a shoe that you can blame for spoiling your shot because its spikes caught in the turf during your backswing or one you can blame because its studs slipped in the grass during your downswing.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Golf Widow - Non-playing wife of an obsessive golfer. Just for the record, judges have consistently decided that although golf clearly is "extreme mental cruelty," it is not grounds for divorce since "the unspeakable sufferings are experienced exclusively by the player and not by the one abandoned as the result of such play" (Humphrey v. Humphrey). On the other hand, courts have been equally firm in throwing out wills altered in favour of favourite golf holes (Alexander v. Trust for the Mowing of the Rough on the Back Nine at Smokey Valley C.C.), bequests to dubious sporting foundations (Bennett v. The Society for the Perfection of the Backswing) and posthumous gifts for the care and preservation of treasured clubs (Howard v. Irons, Woods, et al.).

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Golfing - A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week a chance to lie and cheat outdoors.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Golfing Vacation - Period of time spent playing golf in a place where the rain is warm or where notices indicating that a course is closed due to inclement weather are posted in a foreign language.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Good, good - (See give, give.) - When two golfers have putts that lie similar distances from the cup, one player will say, "Your putt is good if mine is good." Used mostly by amateur players who fear short putts.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Green - A roughly circular area of smooth, lush grass whose verdant hue is the result of regular sprinkling and constant sobbing, bawling, blubbering and whimpering.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Greenie & Sandy - Two popular side bets in which the players in a foursome agree to ante up a small amount of money to be awarded to the first player on the green on each hole ("greenie") and to any of their number who get out of a sand trap and into the hole in two strokes ("sandy"). Other common golfing wagers include paying a set sum of money to the player who uttered the fewest four-letter words during the round ("cleanie") and the player who threw the smallest number of clubs ("gandhi").

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Greens Fees - The charge for playing a round of golf. When paying this fee, mediocre players should keep in mind the fact that whereas golfers who regularly shoot par are shelling out nearly a quarter for every shot they take, a hopeless duffer is paying a mere eight or nine cents a stroke.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Grip - The end of the club that slips, twists, rips or flakes, as distinct from the end of the club that rusts, splits, chips or cracks. See HEAD.