Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground.

[Stan Nehilla]

Your favourite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash.

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"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."

"I'll be there at once."

"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"

"Practice your putting."

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Caddying for the elderly beginner had required great patience. He was doddery but he was dogged and he had sworn to break 100 before the summer was out. In fact there was a bottle of malt riding on it - his faithful caddie would receive it when the magic score had been broken.

Then arrived a day when dogged persistence seemed about to pay off for both player and caddie. They were on the green at the eighteenth and only 97 strokes had been accounted for.

Player and caddie were excited and in the grip of such emotion it was small wonder that the player sent his first putt racing three metres past the hole.

In a flash the caddie had dropped the flagstick, picked up the ball and was crying excitedly. "Well done, sir! You've done it! You've done it! Anyone would give you that."

[Stan Nehilla]

Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact whom you can't afford to humiliate.

[Stan Nehilla]

Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment.

[tincup]

All of the basic movements of a perfectly executed golf swing can be easily duplicated by using a forceful turning motion of your body to toss a bag full of clubs into a pond

[tincup]

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green 200 yards away while the foursome in front of you is putting out, you have two options:
You can go ahead and hit and rip the shot of your life onto the green on the fly, or
you can wait until the green is clear and cold-top a ball halfway there

[Stan Nehilla]

20 Golfing Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

[tincup]

Golf in hell

Having led an interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to find that his particular corner of Hades was an eighteen-hole golf course complete with gentle woods, a cooly serene lake, well kept fairways, an immaculate green and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop. The reprobate's delight was complete when he read the shop's notice.

HELP YOURSELF. ALL EQUIPMENT FREE.

"Well, this is going to be tough to take," he leered as he chose a bag containing perfectly matched clubs. So laden he ambled to the first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then felt in the ball pocket. It was empty. He was about to return to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red.

"Don't mind me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls. There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"