Wit & Wisdom of Golf

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Rule exceptions for seniors

Frivolous Ball

If, after hitting an unsatisfactory tee shot, a player exercises his right to play a revisional ball (mulligan) and thereupon hits a plainly laughable shot or one that is de-monstrably and ludicrously inferior to the original flawed drive that gave rise to his desire to take a replay, he may, upon declaring his intention to abide by "The Rules of Golf and desist from further unserious play, pick up the frivolous ball (gilligan) and play his first ball without forfeiting any residual rights he may possess to the replay of another drive at some future point during the round.

[Stan Nehilla]

THE 1O COMMANDMENTS OF GOLF

THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors putter.
THOU SHALT NOT pick up lost balls before they stop rolling.
THOU SHALT NOT wager with those who carry a one-iron.
THOU SHALT NOT play "inside the leather" with a 52" putter.
THOU SHALT NOT build thy house of handicap with sand bags. THOU SHALT NOT worship St. Mulligan, except on the 1st tee. THOU SHALT NOT imitate a stunt driver in a golf cart.
THOU SHALL yell "Fore!" before the body hits the ground.
THOU SHALL restrict profanity on the course to three putting or worse. THOU SHALL throw thy clubs in non-lethal directions.

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Advice
According to the rules of golf, advice is "any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction shall constitute a formal golf lesson."

[Stan Nehilla]

Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

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The party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in full swing. Then sixyear-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly with a potent expletive.

"Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines, "what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into?"

"Golfers," Simon replied.

[Stan Nehilla]

Trevino On Getting Older

The older I get, the better I used to be.

The three things an aging golfer loses ...his nerve, his memory and I can't remember the third thing.

I'm going to die in a tournament on the golf course, they'll just throw me
in a bunker and build it up a little

A nice thing about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler.
If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.

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Liz Taylor A shot that's a little fat but still okay. Not to be confused with a Roseanne, which is very fat and not okay.

[Stan Nehilla]

The Boss

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day;
I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you!"

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An old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth where he sat himself down among his many coats. He dug among the variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged to form into a holder. From this he hung a pot of water suspended over the twigs.

Members gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp off the course.

"Well, just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.

"I'm the club secretary," shouted the man.

"Well, listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice. That's hardly the way to get new members."

[Stan Nehilla]

Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.

The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball."