Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Handicap

A couple of buddies, decide to play together for the first time.

Mac is an avid golfer and Jimmy is new to the game. On the way to the course, Mac asks "By the way, what's your handicap?"

Jimmy replies,"I don't have one..it's more like a permanent disability"

[Stan Nehilla]

The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name ... and they say golf is a quiet game.

[tincup]

Talk about fantastic golf teachers. He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice. Day and night he worked with her for five months. Now she's the biggest hooker in town.

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer and his caddy walk up to a long par-3.

The cocky golfer says, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter"
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet
in front of him.

The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds,
"It looks like you got one heck of a putt left!"

[tincup]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Is...

If you want to take long walks, take long walks
If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick.

But there's no excuse for combining the two and puting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns

National Lampoon

[tincup]

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window
and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

[Stan Nehilla]

Nixon

Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer.
He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.

Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissenger. " I scored 126," he said

"That's very good, you're golf is certainly improving," said Kissenger.

"I was bowling, Henry," Nixon replied.

[tincup]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole" to which she replied, "Listen HERE!,,,,, don't gripe at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[Stan Nehilla]

Priest

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date.
He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard "Fore!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.

"I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"