Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

New Clubs

Carl and Dave were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when Dave noticed that Carl got a new set of clubs.
Dave asked Carl how he liked the clubs and if they've helped his game at all.
Carl replied, "Oh yeah, they're great clubs! They've added at least 25 yards to my slices, about 30 yards to my hooks and you would be surprised at the size of my divots!"

[tincup]

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed With Golf

Even your work gloves have a ball marker on the wrist.
You mow your backyard to 11 on the Stimpmeter.
You don’t know who the Vice President is, but you’ve got Davis Love’s sand save percentage memorized.
You name your kids Arnold, Jesper and Chi Chi, and that’s just the girls.
Tees in all your pockets, even your jammies.
Getting married at 10? You can still get in a quick 9 holes at 8.
You have all the machinery foldouts from Turfgrass Monthly pinned to your wall.
You get a titanium rod inserted permanently so you can’t bend your left arm.
After two days without golf, you get the shakes and have to phone 1-800-HEADCASE so they can talk you down.
When you stand at the urinal, you use the overlapping grip.

[tincup]

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

[tincup]

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

[Stan Nehilla]

Weight

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league.
This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are 'skinnier' than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

[Stan Nehilla]

Secrets Of Great Golf

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.
He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Ball Hit Slightly Out-of-Bounds

A ball that conies to rest beyond the stakes, fencing, or lines denning ground out-of-bounds may be moved back within bounds and played without penalty of either stroke or distance under the following circumstances:

1. If the ball lies just beyond the line of the out-of-bounds stakes and can be tapped, pulled, dragged, or spooned back into bounds with any conforming golf club by a player standing within bounds

2. If the ball did not travel directly out-of-bounds but bounced off or touched down safely on ground or some fixed natural feature lying within bounds at least once before crossing the out-of-bounds line

3. If the ball landed out-of-bounds but was clearly attempting to return within bounds when its progress was improperly blocked by an impediment or obstacle located out-of-bounds and hence not a legal part of the course

4. If the ball has crossed an out-of-bounds line that is not a true course boundary but rather an administrative division of the ground lying between two adjacent holes drawn so as to discourage play from an adjoining fairway, and the player states that it was not his intention to engage in such play

5. If the ball lies within a portion of the out-of-bounds area that juts or bulges outward from the general line of the out-of-bounds stakes in such a way that if one or two of the stakes were removed, the remaining stakes would form a much straighter line that would leave the place where the ball came to rest well within bounds.

[Stan Nehilla]

Trevino

When I'm on the golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.

You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a hole with only two dollars in your pocket.

Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.

Golf is the most fun I've had with my clothes on.

I am not saying my game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they would come up sliced.

My family was so poor they couldn't afford to have kids.
So the lady next door had me

One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler. And If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic

Lee Trevino

[tincup]

A group of golfers were putting on the green when, all suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looked round distractedly and then asked: "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout: "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."