Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

Peter was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Sharon had to go and get the test results from the doctor.

"Now Sharon, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Peter may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. Peter needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Sharon nodded and left. When she got home, Peter was anxious to find out what his test results were.

"Well Sharon, what did Doctor have to say? Sharon looked him straight in the face. "Your gonna die."

[Stan Nehilla]

Marriage

A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church.

Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"

[tincup]

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok! Where to next?" The frog's reply: "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok, frog; now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Stan Nehilla]

Demons

The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons.
He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, there is too much good in the world. You are all time wasters and you make me sick., You came to hell to help make man's life a misery. Instead you wasting your time playing silly games. So what are you going to do about it?"

Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said, "O'Lord of great darkness. I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain control."

Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?"

The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."

[tincup]

The old golfer paced anxiously up and down outside he emergency room of the East Lothian Hospital near Muirfield Golf Course. Inside the doctors were operating to remove a golf ball accidentally driven down a player's throat.

The sister-in-charge noticed the old golfer and went to reassure him.

"It won't be long now," she said. "You're a relative?"

"No, no, lassie. It's my ball."

[Stan Nehilla]

Out Of My Mind

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife.
"Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," snapped Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive.... that would be a gimme putt."

[tincup]

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Defined

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
"I wish I could play my normal game....just once."
Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to reconsider this game.
Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
Golf is the only sport where your most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work....and both are expensive.
The best wood in most golfer's bags is the pencil.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...they shoot a "six", yell "fore" and write "five".
Swing easy. Hit hard.
Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

[tincup]

He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the overweight patient thought it might be worth trying.

After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.

"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"

"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when 1 put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Jimmy Demaret and I had the best sports psychologist in the world. His name was Jack Daniels and he was waiting for us after every round.

Jackie Burke