Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the American said.

"Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American.

"No", said the Scot "we just put on an extra sweater or two."

[tincup]

The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line

[Stan Nehilla]

Gas

Two couples went out golfing together.

The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.

No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Providential Ball

If during an unsuccessful search for his ball a player shall find another ball that does not belong to him or to one of his fellow players and that does not appear to be currently in play from an adjacent hole, he may treat that ball as a "providential ball" and substitute it for his own ball if (a) it lies reasonably close to the point where he believes his own ball came to rest, (b) it is not an obviously different colour, and (c) it is not a range ball.

In playing this providential ball, the player need not assess a penalty stroke, since the award of one minus stroke for having found a ball cancels out the penalty stroke for having lost his original ball.

[Stan Nehilla]

Ode To The Golfer

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess
The awesome strength it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.

My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called "par".
If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it choses.

It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies
Or disappears before my eyes
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up
And take a drink to ease my sorrow.
But "The Ball" knows... I'll be back...tomorrow.

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old
For the Senior Tour

When you take off your golf shoe, you notice a tag around your toe.
Your foursome tells you to be quiet but it's just your bones creaking
You need a cart just to get to your car
One of your competitors loses his ball in your prodigious ear hair.
Every time you swing, the waistband on your knickers chafes your nipples.
You have 3 walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.
You strain your groin area just telling a joke.
Your golf ball: 384 dimples. You: 384 liver spots.
You have only two groupies – Carol Channing and Kate Hepburn.
Good news: You make it into the Golf Hall of Fame. Bad news: it’s posthumous.

[tincup]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help.

I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Tipoffs Your Opponent is a Cheater

Like Seigfried and Roy, he throws a smoke bomb and his lost ball suddenly appears
That weird stain on his ball? Shoe polish.
You discover his initials, J.T., stand for Jive Turkey.
His shafts are juiced with pine tar and flubber.
When you turn your back, he slathers mud on your ball with a Spackle knife
If he has the same painful leg condition as Casey Martin, how come after every birdie he break dances on the green?
He asks if he can examine your clubs, then leaves a slimy layer of Vaseline on your grips
Claims he’s exempt from the 14-club limit "cuz I choked on a gook land mine in ‘Nam."
When you ask him what he shot, he screams like Jack Nicholson,
"YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
That bulge under his pants leg? The Wile E. Coyote Golf Ball Dispenser by Acme.

[tincup]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
Number 2 guy say “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said......................................



"Take a sweater".

[Stan Nehilla]

Ian Baker-Finch commenting on John Daly:
"His driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays"