Wit & Wisdom of Golf

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Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.

[Stan Nehilla]

Do you know that...

When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry and he goes weak in the knees.
And he begins to think irrationally..

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a a new golf bag

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The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Study

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.

Almost feel like a hybrid..

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Rule exceptions for seniors

Cruel and Unusual Hazards

The following extreme water hazards and improper bunk-era are deemed to constitute an unwarranted and impermissible interference with due and rightful play, and a player may replay a shot that is hit into any such water hazard, or throw his ball out of any such bunker, without assessing a stroke or incurring any penalty:

1. Any water hazard that, in order to be cleared, requires a ball to carry over it in the air for a distance of 150 yards or more with no possibility of a lay-up shot or safe play

2. Any lateral water hazard toward which a fairway has been purposely graded or sloped so that a ball will roll or bounce into it even if, as a result of a benign spin or favourable curve applied to the ball at the time it was struck, it should have easily avoided the hazard

3. Any bunker so situated in a fairway that no part of it is visible from the teeing ground, regardless of whether the bunker was accurately depicted in a schematic diagram of the hole on a scorecard or sign

4. Any bunker having a lip of overhanging earth, turf, or greensward a foot or more in thickness, or a retaining wall of stone or wood a club length or more in height, or stairs or a ladder for entry or exit, or an overall depth such that the surface of the putting green is above the eye level of a player standing on the sand within it

5. Any bunker that has been formally given or is generally referred to by an ominous or intimidating name.

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The more expensive and highly touted the golf ball the more likely you are to lose it.

[Stan Nehilla]

Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play their balls.
- Bob Hope-

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Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gorgeous naked lady ran past. Naturally, this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. He was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:

"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back."

"What about the bucket of sand?"

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."

[Stan Nehilla]

Physical

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up
and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled
out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and
took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a very bad golfer."

[Stan Nehilla]

Note

I came home from golfing today.

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?