Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

Old Golfer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived every damned one of them."

[Stan Nehilla]

The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards.

[Stan Nehilla]

The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point.

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Here's something to think about...At age 65, I finally had to look for a new doctor.

After 2 visits, and numerous and exhaustive lab tests, he said that I was doing "fairly well" for a man of my age.

A little concerned with that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think that I'll live to be 80?".

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

No, I replied, and I'm not doing drugs either.

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, "Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"


"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care."

[Stan Nehilla]

The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards.

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Four days of perfect golf weather begin on Monday.

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Playing a round with a friend and our wives, they walked to the forward tees and hit their drives and moved off to the side, to allow the men to tee off. I hit a liner that caught my wife in the temple and killed her. A week later I received a call from the coroner and he had a few questions for me. He had read the report and I had claimed that my tee shot had hit my wife in the head, but during the optopsy a golf ball was found buried in her rectum. I asked the coroner if the found ball was a Pro V1 #8, he said "why yes"...Yeah, that was my provisional...

[Stan Nehilla]

The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.

[Stan Nehilla]

The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet.