Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

A new executive is told by his boss that he is expected to play in the corporate golf tournament next week. Not knowing how to play he decides he better take a lesson. The club pro advises that they start with the putter and then progress to the short irons before tackling the long irons and woods. The man explains that he has to start with the driver as he is expected to play in the corporate tournament. The pro relents and tries to teach him as best he can.
On the day of the tournament the new exec steps to the first tee, a 165 yard par 3 hole. One of his partners suggests on this hole perhaps a 4 iron might be a better choice. The exec explains that he has only had one golf lesson and the driver is the only club he has hit. The exec takes a mighty swing and proceeds to slice the ball right into the woods.
After a few minutes the exec finds the ball and once again pulls his driver out of the bag. His partner suggests that he would be better off hitting a short chip back onto the fairway. Again the new exec explains that he only knows how to hit the driver. He proceeds to take a mighty swing, hitting the tree directly in front of him. The ball careens off the tree, striking the exec in the middle of the forehead, knocking him dead.
Saint Peter is surprised to see the executive so soon, and asked, "How did you get here?"
"In two!" he replied.

[tincup]

If you ever par the first three holes, you’ll have a 20-minute wait on the fourth tee.

[Stan Nehilla]

On completing his third round at the British Open at Lytham St. Anne's in 1969, Gary Player was approached by a spectator who told him that he was amazed at how Player could make his three iron shots stop dead on the green, and asked him how he did it.
Player responded by asking the spectator how far he usually hit his three iron shots. The spectator replied " Oh, about 120 to 130 yards". Player replied "What do you want them to stop for?"

[Stan Nehilla]

So there is an Englishman and a Scot playing a round together (hard to believe I know). So the Englishman tees up his ball on the first hole and snap hooks his drive into the trees. So of course, he tees up another ball and says he's taking a "Mulligan." Just before he swings he asks the Scot what they call a "Mulligan" in Scotland. The Scot promptly replies, "We call it three."

[tincup]

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of the most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Temporary Insanity

If a player attempts to hit a drive an unprecedented distance through the use of an excessively long, fast, or forceful swing in which his torso is abnormally contorted, or his club shaft goes well past parallel in his backswing, or he audibly grunts or moans during the downswing, or either or both of his feet come out of his shoes at the conclusion of his follow-through, and the resulting shot is unsuccessful, he may tee up and hit another ball without assessing a stroke, but before doing so he must return his driver to his golf bag and replace it with a 3-wood or a long iron, and he must then swing that club in a restrained, prudent, and judicious fashion, with a compact arc, a measured pace, and a moderate body movement However, if he once again employs a wild and uncontrolled swing, he forfeits his right to replay under this exception, even if he should claim that this fresh instance of overswinging was caused by a reasonable desire on his part to make up for the fact that the second ball was being hit with a club of less inherent power than the driver, and hence to achieve his customary length off the tee, he had no choice but to strike it with a greater-than-normal velocity and ferocity.

[Stan Nehilla]

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

[Stan Nehilla]

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

[tincup]

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
Will Rogers

[Stan Nehilla]

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.