Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."

[tincup]

The Justice of the Peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson.

But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.

But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."

"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."

[Stan Nehilla]

I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!!

[Stan Nehilla]

Murphy comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife Fiona asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.

Murphy asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replies Fiona.

"Well," says Murphy, "Neither would Tom O'Brien."

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Ground in Flight Outdistancing Ball in Play

If a divot taken at the time a ball is struck comes to rest at a point nearer to the hole than the lie ultimately occupied by the ball itself, that ball may be retrieved and replayed without assessing a stroke or incurring any penalty, provided that the divot is properly replaced.

[Stan Nehilla]

Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!"

[tincup]

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope

[Pyecraft]

I only ever got to golf in Ireland once, making up a threesome with two locals. Awaiting our approaching tee time Declan was getting ever more anxious about his best mate Sean who, on the way to the course had become overburdened with a sudden guilt and, wanting to clear his head for the round, dropped into the nearby church for confession.

Finally, Sean appeared in time to tee off and got right into it with Declan, who mockingly asked if he was ok now, to which Declan replied by expanding upon his experience. 'I begged the priest forgiveness for I had strayed, and he asked me if it was with Mary O'Reilly, I said no Father. Then he asked if it was with Kathleen Murphy and again I said no Father, until finally he asked if it was with Sinead McGinty but again I said no. So Father O'Donnell just sighed and said '... for your sins my son, your penance today will have you teeing from the back of the championship tees, now off you go and let this be god's lesson to you!"

As he teed up, Declan looked over at his grinning friend in disgust and smirked ' well you got off lightly there, you cheating sod'.
'Aye ...' replied a beaming Sean, '... and now I also got three hot dates for the weekend!'

[Stan Nehilla]

A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." The man said, "I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened." "What was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I got a seven!"

[tincup]

Stan and Dar were playing a course located near the Everglades in Florida.
They had reached the first green. Stan was up first and was concentrating
on his putt, unaware that Dar was being consumed, head-first by a very
large alligator.
Stan said "Ok, if you want to make those annoying, gurgling noises when I
am putting, I can do the same thing when you are up!"