Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.

After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

[Stan Nehilla]

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s
luck.

[tincup]

The reason those fancy wedges are so expensive is they come with a free case of the shanks

[Stan Nehilla]

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

[tincup]

A fool and his money make excellent golfing companions

[Stan Nehilla]

Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for
thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his
shot.

[tincup]

Always clean out the kitty litter box before using it to practice your bunker shots.

[Stan Nehilla]

Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind
up with the honor on the next hole.

[tincup]

Golf - The derivation of the word "golf 'from its Celtic and Middle English roots is obscure. Some possibilities are:
gil f f (an incurable madness),
gylf (a notorious liar),
gullf (to beat a shrub with a short stick),
golve (under; beneath; lost; blocked; submerged; stuck; obstructed),
gellvo (horribly; terribly; hopelessly; awfully),
galfa (my God!; oh, no!),
goal fyl (to cry; to weep) and
gael f (I quit).

[Stan Nehilla]

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.