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Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 6th, 2012, 8:11 am
by tincup
If the course is completely empty when you drive up, it’s because of an outing of 100 golfers is getting ready to tee off in a shotgun start.
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 7th, 2012, 3:41 am
by Stan Nehilla
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
~ Ben Hogan
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 7th, 2012, 1:09 pm
by Stan Nehilla
The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 8th, 2012, 7:53 am
by tincup
The one drive you really nail will always be hit on a hole with no carry.
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 8th, 2012, 7:36 pm
by Indy Anna Jones
If the course is completely empty when you drive up, it’s because of an outing of 100 golfers is getting ready to tee off in a shotgun start.
That happened to my foursome once. Talk about embarrassing!
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 9th, 2012, 5:34 am
by Stan Nehilla
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot"!"
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 9th, 2012, 8:12 am
by tincup
Whenever there is money riding on a hole, someone will appear riding on a mower.
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 10th, 2012, 5:35 am
by Stan Nehilla
A chap was teeing off and hit a lousy ball onto the next fairway and en route struck another golfer on the head.
He shouted at the lousy hitter,
"I am a lawyer and this will cost you, maybe 5000.00."
The golfer yelled back, "I am sorry but I did shout FORE"
The lawyer replied, "OK I'll take it!!!"
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 11th, 2012, 5:36 am
by Stan Nehilla
How True in Golf[/i
Always concede the fourth putt.
Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.
Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.
Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.
Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.
Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.
During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.
Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.
In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.
In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.
In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.
In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.
It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.
Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.
The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers.
The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.
The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.
The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room.
The only downwind holes are par threes.
The people in front of you are playing too slowly, the people behind you are playing too quickly.
The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.
The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique.
The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.
The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line.
Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over.
Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it.
When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.
Re: Wit & Wisdom of Golf
Posted: May 12th, 2012, 5:56 am
by Stan Nehilla
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games when one says to the other, "My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"