Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

Hazard Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.

"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday."

Actual Pro Shop Calls

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy
a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow
between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls
and said they stole them from your driving range.
Would you like to buy them back?

Caddying for the elderly beginner had required great patience. He was doddery but he was dogged and he had sworn to break 100 before the summer was out. In fact there was a bottle of malt riding on it - his faithful caddie would receive it when the magic score had been broken.

Then arrived a day when dogged persistence seemed about to pay off for both player and caddie. They were on the green at the eighteenth and only 97 strokes had been accounted for.

Player and caddie were excited and in the grip of such emotion it was small wonder that the player sent his first putt racing three metres past the hole.

In a flash the caddie had dropped the flagstick, picked up the ball and was crying excitedly. "Well done, sir! You've done it! You've done it! Anyone would give you that."

British Rules of Golf 1940

You have to hand it to the Brits, when it comes to golf.
And, you thought you were a tough weather golfer.

This notice posted in war-torn Britain for golfers with stiff upper lips.
You have to admit, these guys really had guts!

German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England
Because of the icy weather conditions, the barrels of their guns had
a small dab of wax to protect them.
As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns
by firing a few rounds at the golf courses.

Golfers were urged to take cover.

The party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in full swing. Then sixyear-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly with a potent expletive.

"Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines, "what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into?"

"Golfers," Simon replied.

Lamaze...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher...
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The sky above was blue and cloudless. Only a light breeze ruffled the treetops outside the window. If the judge had been a lawmaker instead of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding court sessions on such glorious days.

"Well," he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case."

"And in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility by a golf club in the hand of her husband."

"How many strokes?" murmured the judge absently.

Most golfers prepare for disaster.A good golfer prepares for success.

Bob Toski

Everyone turns in a 2-iron, but you can kiss that wedge good-bye