Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

Some people think they're concentrating when they're merely worrying

Robert Jones

S.H.I.T.

In the 16th century, most everything was transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so largeshipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because it weighedless but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gasas a by-product.
The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up.

The first time someone came below at night with a lantern.... BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened. Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term

Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.

Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.

"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

I say greenkeeper, I dropped my bottle of Scotch out of the bag somewhere on the seventh. Anything handed in at lost-and-found?" "Only the golfer who played after you, sir."

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
From David Letterman's Late Night Show

A below par performance is considered good.
You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
You can still make money doing it as a senior.
It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
Foursomes are encouraged.
Three times a day is possible.
Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,

"I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never got a chance to duck. He was only 43 ......

What's In A Lie...

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.


At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

It takes real commitment to play on the Royal Nairobi course. It is bounded on three sides by a wildlife reserve the wildlife of which,do not necessarily feel hesitant about grazing on greens or golfers, according to palate preferences.

The young Mormon missionary had great faith even as he sliced his tee shot into a pretty rugged area off the course. He knew he'd find his ball and he did between the forelegs of a huge and hungry lion.

As he fell quivering to his knees before the great beast the young man began to pray and to his astonishment the lion knelt also.

"Glory be to God," exclaimed the young evangelist, "a practising Christian lion."

"Rowrrl," roared the lion, "quiet while I'm saying grace!"

I was lying ten and had a 35' putt.
I whispered over by shoulder to my caddy, "How does this one break?"

He replied, "Who cares!''

It's the greatest line from a caddy I've ever heard.

-Jack Lemon-

Rule exceptions for seniors

Ball Hit Under Pressure

A player is entitled to relief when anxiety-producing conditions exist, as follows:

1. If a player hits his ball into an adjacent fairway, and players on that hole require him to make his next shot under their observation before they continue their play of that hole, and he then not his ball, he may either play it again from the place where it comes to rest without assessing a stroke, or he may wait until those players have vacated the fairway, then return to the approximate spot where his ball originally lay, place it in an equally favourable lie, and replay the stroke.

2. If a player is playing through another group of players on any hole, or has been waved up to hit on a par-three hole by a playing group that then stands aside on the edge of the green and watches, and he proceeds to grossly misplay the hole, his score shall be reduced to whatever score he honestly believes and forcefully asserts that he would have achieved had he not been subjected to stressful conditions of play.

3. If a player is obliged to hit a shot on any hole where groundskeepers are operating grass-cutting machinery, or tending to greens or bunkers, or repairing or reseed-ing damaged turf, or are otherwise engaged in the grooming of the course, and that player makes an unsatisfactory shot, he may replay it once without assessing a stroke, regardless of whether he mis-hit his original ball as a result of his nervous concern for the well-being of the course maintenance personnel or his morbid fear of their ridicule.