Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

McCord

Golf commentator, Gary McCord was surprised after winning his first Senior Tour Title in 1999.

He said" Maybe somebody channeled into my body. Maybe Tiger channeled in. I'll blame it on something...
something extra-terrestrial"

How many strokes d'ye have, laddie?" the Scot asked his guest after the first hole.

"Seven."

"I took six. Ma hole"

They played the second hole and once again he asked: "How many strokes?"

"Oh no sir!" said the guest. "It's my turn to ask."

The argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight all afternoon since losing his game. Finally he threw a punch at the player on the nearest bar stool. He ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor. By the time he'd disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his opponent had left.

"D'ya see that, barman.'" he complained. "Not much of a fighter was he?"

"Not much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs," said the barman gazing out the window.

Downhill

After winning the US and British Open and the PGA Championship, a writer asked Tiger Woods if that was his greatest year. Tiger replied "No, when I was 11, I had straight "A's", won 32 junior tournaments, has two recesses a day and had the cutest girlfriend in the whole school. Everything has been downhill since then."

Ten Differences Between Golf & Other Sports

Unlike baseball, players don’t readjust their testicles before each swing.
Unlike boxing, players don’t chomp on each others ears or punch them in the groin.
Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each effort.
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to breathe noxious fumes or be forced to listen to "The Achy Breaky Song" on the loud speaker.
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t spit on or trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike polo, players don’t need to be smug yuppie aristocratic inbred dweebs.
Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
Unlike wrestling, spectators have all their teeth.

Rule exceptions for Seniors

Nonchalant Putts

A player confronted with an unconceded putt of three feet or less may elect to approach the ball in a deliberately casual and unstudied manner and hit it toward the hole with a one-handed putting stroke using either of two approved perfunctory putting methods.

1. He may knock the ball toward the hole with a one-handed putting stroke using either the front or back of the putter. If the ball fails to enter the hole but the player is able to sink the putt with no more than two additional rapid "taps" made while the ball is still in motion, the putt is deemed to have been sunk with a single continuous multipart stroke executed in a staccato fashion rather than multiple separate attempts.

2. He may adopt a putting posture in which he crouches over the hole with his hand behind the cup and drags the ball back toward it with a one-handed pulling stroke. Once the ball touches his palm, it is deemed to have been holed out, even if the ball never actually enters the cup and the player is obliged to move his hand a short distance away from the hole in the direction of the oncoming ball to ensure solid contact

Top Ten Slogans for the New "Champions" Senior Tour

Prelude to Senility
You can beg all you want – we ain’t going away
The Gray, the Bald and the Saggy
Polyester on Parade
Guts and Butts
We’re Not Quite Vegetables
Twice the Pounds, Half the Talent
Calvacade of Codgers
We’re Not Bankrupt … Yet!
Geezers R Us

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.'
Bob Hope

Tough

Mac invited his friend Jimmy to play at his new club. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole.

Jimmy teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything.

He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said,
"Boy, this is really a tough course!"

An old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth where he sat himself down among his many coats. He dug among the variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged to form into a holder. From this he hung a pot of water suspended over the twigs.

Members gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp off the course.

"Well, just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.

"I'm the club secretary," shouted the man.

"Well, listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice. That's hardly the way to get new members."